I was asked by a friend the other day if I ever struggle with anything. From her perspective, it looked as though I never struggle. I couldn’t help but smile. Of course I struggle. All the time, I struggle. But generally as quickly as I find myself struggling, I also find myself openly pouring my heart out to God about my struggle. He usually very quickly sheds light on the truth of the matter for me. Most of the time, my “struggles” are somehow attached to my emotions or how I perceive myself or a situation. Since emotions can change like the wind, how I’m feeling is not normally based on the truth. God’s truth is unchanging, unlike my emotions.
I replied to my friend by telling her my most recent struggle was with loneliness. I don’t think I told her this, but accompanying my loneliness was it’s best friend boredom. A couple of days ago, I returned home from taking my children to school. David, my husband, was leaving. I was sitting on the couch as he closed the door to leave. I was left alone with my Bible in hand and the dead silence. All I could hear was the wind against the windows. I was overwhelmed suddenly with the grip of loneliness and boredom. I had cleaned the house the day before. The feelings of accomplishment and organization were nice, but my point is I didn’t need to clean house. So I really had nothing to do with myself, at least nothing on the agenda for the day. I started talking to God about it. He knew my heart and knew how I thrive on relationship and having something to do. Right away He reminded me of His presence. So I knew in my heart I wasn’t really alone.
My feelings and emotions were topsy turvy. I was feeling like my life was pathetic. After all I had a nursing degree and was sitting there with nothing to do. But He’s called me to even greater things. I knew what He had told me. I knew He had a plan. And I knew where He had me at that moment was part of that plan. I was reminded that God’s plan for me is really more about Him and His glory than it is me, or even the end to the plan. If it’s truly His plan, He will be the end to the plan. All eyes will be on Him. He reminded me, sometimes He chooses to call me to something as part of His refining process. He will use what He’s called me to do in part to change me to be more like Him, but also to bring glory to Himself. Through the silence I discovered that even in those moments of boredom and loneliness, He was grooming me with patience and contentment with Him. So although tempted to fall into a pit of self pity, I chose that day to trust Him and enjoy a whole day just spending time in His presence. When the rubber meets the road, that’s what it’s really all about for me. I want nothing more than to be close to God, eyes on Him, basking in His presence. He knew that, and that day He gave me a chance to do that with no distractions. I was almost robbed of that joy by listening to the lies of my emotions. Thank God for His presence and Holy Spirit that so willingly and gently spoke to my heart that day.