Before we dive in to what women really want, I would highly recommend discovering your love language. The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman explains this in detail. We all need touch, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and words of affirmation. But we each have a couple of those five that we need most to feel satisfied in our relationship. Our love tank is filled as our love language is spoken to us. And we speak the language we most need spoken. For example mine is quality time and words of affirmation. For my husband it’s different, so we have to be intentional about speaking one another’s love language. This prevents us from staying frustrated with near empty love tanks.
As I interviewed various women (single and married) about what they want most from their men, I asked them to narrow it down to one thing!
The consensus: we want to be valued. It’s in our DNA to want to be needed and need to be wanted. It goes all the way back to the garden. We are helpers and fixers. We desire to feel special. No matter how long the relationship or how old we get, we want our men to romance and pursue us. Remember when you were dating and trying to impress us? Well try revisiting it. We still want to be impressed! Surprise us with thoughtfulness. Little things like notes, gentle kisses, and noticing when we’ve changed our hair speaks volumes. It says we’ve been on your mind, you notice and you care. Those actions whisper, you’re valuable! If you’re single, keep in mind I’m referring to good, welcome-pursuit and not icky, stalker-pursuit. If you’re pursuing a woman who has made it clear she’s not interested, stop pursuing and move on!
Or for a sure win with your woman, follow the example given in Song of Solomon 4:7 when the Lover sweetly says to his Beloved, “All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” Say it in your own words and like you mean it, but almost every woman will respond to that!
Jesus is all we truly need. And if He’s what’s filling us, we’re less likely to depend on other people or things to fill the void and provide the security we so desperately want. However, women do look to their men for a sense of emotional, physical and spiritual security. They may never voice this, but most women want a trustworthy, spiritual leader who will step up to protect and provide. We may not always act like it, but we really want our men to be men.
Now there’s the emotional security dilemma. This is a tough one because our hormones and feelings change like the wind. Can I get an amen? Try to be patient with us guys. So speak words of encouragement, and try to love us through our sometimes crazy emotions. And please understand that our feelings and stressors have a direct effect on us sexually. If we feel insecure or undervalued, we may not be up to having sex. A woman’s desire to be physically intimate often hinges on whether or not her other needs are being met.
We need quality time. And contrary to popular belief, you CAN be in the same house and not have quality time. I’m not suggesting there’s anything wrong with television, but women don’t consider watching the same TV show at the same time quality time. For us, it’s carving out time to communicate, to listen and be listened to. And if you have a television in your bedroom, you might want to consider taking it out. It’s a huge distraction in a place that should be kept sacred. Set your bedroom aside for quality time and love-making. And, if your children are still small and sleep with you every night, take the necessary steps to get them to fall asleep in their own beds.
And as women with children, if you really want to do something meaningful, love us in front of the children and love the children in front of us. One of the sexiest things I ever witnessed was my husband listening, reading, and praying with our children before tucking them in at night. I unexpectedly walked up on this scene with him unaware that I was watching. This melted my heart and totally made me want him even more. So, be a good daddy to your kiddos.
And last but definitely not least, we want our men to have moral fiber. We don’t want men with addictions to things like pornography that tear away at the fabric of the relationship and our ability to trust. We want honesty and integrity. And if a woman is given any indication that she cannot trust her man, security will be compromised and regaining trust will take time and effort. And simply put, the best way to regain trust is with complete honesty. Yes, the truth will set you free.
To recap… what women want most from their men…
1) To be valued
3) Quality time
4) A good dad to the children (even when you think we’re not looking)
5) Honesty and integrity (moral fiber)
(Girls, feel free to pass this on to your guys. Oh and please add anything that you think I may have missed in the comments below.)