Random Things About Marriage I Learned the Hard Way

I’m just sharing about mistakes I’ve made.  Maybe you can relate, or maybe this will help prevent you from making the same ones!

It’s never good to go to our best friend or family to tattle when fighting with our spouse.  It’s our human tendency, when we feel we’ve been wronged, to want someone to side with us.  But the problem is when we’ve forgiven and moved on, typically our family and/or friends haven’t.  So unless it’s an abusive situation that puts us in danger, it’s best to work through it without involving others.

A good fight is healthy every now and then.  I know, that sounds bad.  What I mean is, it’s better to confront issues head on!  Putting feelings out there rather than suppressing them can prevent bigger problems later.  It’s been my experience that the longer pressure builds, the bigger the explosion when it finally breaks.  Besides, the best thing about “fighting” is– you guessed it– making up!

We don’t always have to know everything!  There have been times I’ve insisted on knowing.  That knowledge got me in trouble.  The details haunted my thoughts and caused me to make unnecessary assumptions about the issue, situation, or people involved.  It’s simply not always best to know everything.

With that said, it’s not always necessary to share everything either.   With other people, some things are better filtered and left unsaid.  Then with our spouses, we should be an open book.  They really should know everything there is to know about us.

It’s unhealthy to argue in front of our children.  Once a few years ago, my children were about 4 and 5 years old.  My husband and I started arguing over dinner.  Tempers got away from us and before we knew it, we were tossing salad–and I don’t mean in a bowl.  Salad, bowls included, flew across the room.  I guess it’s unnecessary to share who threw theirs first, but my point is, my children never forgot it.  They still mention it from time to time.  I vowed that day that would never happen again– the throwing or the arguing– in front of our kids.  The result has been pausing in their presence, then later discussing things behind closed doors in a more civilized manner!

We should never put a friendship before our marriage relationship.  I’ve done this, and it eventually caused issues in my marriage.  Maybe that’s another blog for another day.  But, we should value our marriage by prioritizing quality time and confiding in our spouse more than we would a friend.

Insecurity isn’t attractive.  Insecure women tend to overreact and nag, and both drive men crazy (and not in a good way).  Remember, if you’re husband chose to marry you, it’s because he wanted you.  He loves you.  Besides, we should never depend on our spouse for our security anyway.  That’s something that can only come from our relationship with God.  And God-confidence is definitely attractive!

“A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life./ She is clothed with strength and dignity (confidence); she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue./ Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her…”  Proverbs 31:10-12, 25-26, 28

Is there anything you’ve learned the hard way?

18 thoughts on “Random Things About Marriage I Learned the Hard Way

  1. DeniseK says:

    We’re still working on many of those. I’m not ashamed to admit that. We’re a work in progress. The biggest thing we’ve learned so far (in our 11+years of marriage) is that we are each others biggest cheerleader and supporter. We each have our own individual weaknesses and strengths. Through many peaks and valleys we know how to help our spouse out. It has been a tremendous gift to our 4 children. Especially in showing them how to work through things together.

  2. Sarah Showalter says:

    Spot on, Rivera. Thank you for your insightful blogpost! As a general rule, Adonai does not honor the one who “uncovers the nakedness” of another. Consider the sorrowful curse that followed Noah’s grandson, after his son, Ham, “revealed his nakedness” (fallen state). Noah’s other sons, Shem and Japheth, interceded to restore his honor. This is not to say that God will not ever bring an “older woman” (spiritually, if not in years) into the life of a struggling wife to help her love her husband and overcome a difficult situation. In this, transparency and honesty is apropos. As helpmeets, we have a privileged position of strength. The Hebrew word “helpmeet” in Genesis 2:18 means strong helper–such as armed men and compatriots, “parallel to, surround, in front of and to mirror.” We are designed to complement and complete in every way–to enhance life–not only to bring forth life. It is a profound mystery. Adonai took not a “rib,” but “from Adam’s “side” to create the woman. When man and woman “become one flesh,” man becomes complete once more! (This is why the monogamous union is so precious.) Both man and woman were “Adam” until the fall. Adam named the woman, Havah (Eve), meaning living being–mother of all the living! Adonai trusts us to speak words of life and righteousness to our husbands. But the curse of the fall created enmity between us, and the serpent of old uses it to his advantage, setting us against one another … often whispering lies to us. Let us have ears only for the voice of our Shepherd 🙂 Blessings to you, Rivera, and all of us wives, to walk in love, forgiveness, and the strength of His Spirit … for the unity of our marriages … ultimately, the Glory of God 🙂

  3. Sara Johnson says:

    As always, your writing id beautiful and true. I have done all of those things, and thankfully have realized the error. From time to time, I will slip when I let hurt or anger take hold for more than a minute or two.
    Another thing that I have learned is that sometimes, an argument can begin only because we have misunderstood. I cannot tell you how many times we have argued only to realize that we wanted nearly the exact same thing. We communicate in completely different ways and sometimes just don’t understand each other. So now, whenever I feel like my husband is getting frustrated, I try to say something like, “What I think you want is ……..” and he will normally say yes and I tell him that is a version of what I want, too. Then we are almost always on our way to compromise and not an argument.
    I love how you say that if your husband married you, that means he chose you. I remind myself of that when I start to feel insecure. My husband left his family, friends and work to move 450 miles away to be with me. That was no small thing, and he did it willingly. Why on earth should I ever feel insecure !
    Thank you for your honesty and your transparency. You and your writing are such a blessing.

    1. Rivera Douthit says:

      Thank you for that insight Sara! I agree. Often disagreements are just misunderstandings. It’s so nice when we learn how to communicate in a way that avoids unnecessary arguments.
      Thank you for faithfully reading, sharing and encouraging. Love…

  4. Rachel says:

    Depending on myself to make it through hard times instead of relying on my spouse to support me. I have had many hard times in the past and when I felt emotional or troubled by my past I tried to keep it inside and deal with it myself. I did not want to “bother” my husband with my personal struggles. In the end it created many problems between my husband and I until finally I would share what it is I had been dealing with inside. He always had the same response…. a smirk, a laugh, and then a long hug. He would tell me that I could come to him with anything and that I should because we could work through it together. I no longer had the need to take care of myself because God gave me a partner to help carry the weight when it became to much for me to handle. I have learned to trust my husband with my inner thoughts and feelings and even if he does not know how to respond he will still ALWAYS be there for me for support and understanding.

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